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2020-

2020-03-26 d
The Which Trials

Cambridge, Mass. – Our intrepid reporter, now walking casually on Mt. Auburn Street, sent us this text:
It’s true. The Which Trials have started. They want to know which, if any, current students, are collaborating with the Harvard College alumnus publishing The No Times, based in the Icelandic capital. They have convened the trials in the currently deserted dining hall of the god-awful-ugly brutalist monstrosity of Mather House. Well, actually, the dining hall is never truly deserted – it is home to a thriving population of irradiated, mutant, glow-in-the-dark cockroaches that no one wants to exterminate.

Mather House, named for the Puritan child prodigy and polymath, the Rev. Mather, is a fitting venue. In fact, a Mather relic, removed with great ceremony from the climate-controlled, seventh sub-basement of the Houghton Library, is the jurist. His ivory dentures are taken out of a velvet-lined, gold-inlaid, ebony box and placed on a silver platter attributed to Paul Revere, the noted silversmith. The dentures chatter amiably throughout the proceedings, sounding much like a cheerful minuet, but veer leftward to answer, “No.” and rightward, to answer, “Yes.”

The CIA Director, Chemical Gina, is the interrogator. She brought several boxes of syringes and she knows how to use them.

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